I feel very numb, I have cried my tears, acted on on my anger and now I am drained, drained of all what in essence, is me. Deep down I wanted a very different outcome, I wanted acceptance. And now I am tired of this bullshit of organized religion, I am tired of being the black sheep. I am tired of trying. I am tired of compromising.
many people talk about family, but I cannot relate. My family have never really understood me, I was labeled “a rebel”, “a brat” the son who lost his way. The brother who is gay. And all this time I looked for and craved acceptance. The reality is that my live choices still blur their vision of who I am. I am still Ivan, but nit the Ivan they would have wanted, I have spend far too much time trying and being disappointed by my family.
My reality is that I lead a very boring life, work, home, two cats, William my partner of 14 years. We in bed by 8 most evening and both craved this boring routine life. We both word hard, stressful jobs, but prefer the simply live, and it’s a great one. Now my family don’t see this, in fact they have sometimes being so rude to William as if he is just a nobody. This has lead to much hurt and always out William to feel like an outsider. The are polite to him, but still fail to reacognise him as my William. We both bought this house, he bought me my last car, he looks after me and is my life.
So after distancing myself more and more I finally have let go of my brothers and sister, and my parents, mainly my Dad. I have limited contact with them or their extended families. It’s just better for me. I have slowly cut off my family, for me it’s my way of keeping myslef Ivan. All families are different, but so are mine, but I have decided that I should have cut off contact with them many years back. I have set myslef up for hurt, betrayal, disappointed and in some causes being treated badly as if I was a “burden”. So today I have thought about legally changing my name to Williams, just that William is not that keen on marriage, we sighed. A civilly oartnership agreement 12 years back. But each day I will keep walking as I have been walking alone for many years, without the support or interest of the family.