Numbness.

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I feel very numb, I have cried my tears, acted on on my anger and now I am drained, drained of all what in essence, is me. Deep down I wanted a very different outcome, I wanted acceptance. And now I am tired of this bullshit of organized religion, I am tired of being the black sheep. I am tired of trying. I am tired of compromising.

many people talk about family, but I cannot relate. My family have never really understood me, I was labeled “a rebel”, “a brat” the son who lost his way. The brother who is gay. And all this time I looked for and craved acceptance.  The reality is that my live choices still blur their vision of who I am. I am still Ivan, but nit the Ivan they would have wanted, I have spend far too much time trying and being disappointed by my family.

My reality is that I lead a very boring life, work, home, two cats, William my partner of 14 years. We in bed by 8 most evening and both craved this boring routine life. We both word hard, stressful jobs, but prefer the simply live, and it’s a great one. Now my family don’t see this, in fact they have sometimes being so rude to William as if he is just a  nobody. This has lead to much hurt and always out William to feel like an outsider. The are polite to him, but still fail to reacognise him as my William. We both bought this house, he bought me my last car, he looks after me and is my life.

So after distancing myself more and more I finally have let go of my brothers and sister, and my parents, mainly my Dad. I have limited contact with them or their extended families. It’s just better for me. I have slowly cut off my  family, for me it’s my way of keeping myslef Ivan. All families are different, but so are mine, but I have decided that I should have cut off contact with them many years back. I have set myslef up for hurt, betrayal, disappointed and in some causes being treated badly as if I was a “burden”. So today I have thought about legally changing my name to Williams, just that William is not that keen on marriage, we sighed. A civilly oartnership agreement 12 years back. But each day I will keep walking as I have been walking alone for many years, without the support or interest of the family.

Ivan.


21 thoughts on “Numbness.

  1. Your right….move on. You can only do so much building and repairing of a bridge, before you can give in and forget their lack of support. Time to move on with William and be happy, you don’t want to jeopardize your loving relationship with William…..I ‘ve seen that happen. If their not happy and realize their mistake, they will come around. Now keep your chin up💋

    1. Always appreciate and enjoy your comments. Your so right about William, he is with me day-to-day and knows me better and what is BETTER FOR me and us. Luckily William has seen my family very seldom so they have little effect on him. We do however have two four legged furry children who gives us love and pure joy. Ivan.

      1. When I was with my ex, it was much the same way, except I was in William’s shoes. While they were “cordial” with me, I could always feel the not acceptance, the not approving looks, and the talk , if they talked to me at all, was very general and nervous talk. I never felt so uncomfortable. It got to the point, I told my ex, I couldn’t go anymore and go through that. I get along with everyone , so I was not use to this feeling of being ignored. I’m still friends with my ex, and his new husband says the same thing. So I guess they still have not come around yet. And they should be very proud of him too. He has built quite a life, put himself through college to get his masters on his own, gives to society and did it all himself. He tells me they didn’t see that. I think he too has finally given up on his family.

        I enjoy your post Ivan! You two take care!

      2. Now your words are kind and very real. Williams one sister has not fully expected us. I do see William in a lot that you say. Got me thinking that you only live once, so let it be as it is. Strange how your family can never actually see their children, siblings as adults.
        Glad you enjoy by blog. Ivan

  2. Yes, it is true that you must move on, and it important to acknowledge how much effort you put into keeping a connection with your birth family. It is so sad that they cannot see through the bigotry and hypocrisy of religion and social traditions. If they could, they would see how beautiful a person you are and how beautiful the relationship with William is. As you move on, staying true to your inner self and to William will be the best guide you can have. And this is the route to finding love and a wider family.

    1. Thank you your comment, the way I see it and that my honest objective view is that this religion that my family hide behind is unhealthy, and then my family is also very rooted with money, status and ‘perfection in the eyes of others’. So add the gay son/brother to that mix. Thanks again really appreciates your comment. Ivan

  3. Family is a word that has so many connotations and meanings, all of which carry weight. So your pain and upset is both heartbreaking and eminently understandable. You have worked hard to maintain your connections with your relatives that it hurts when it feels so one-sided. But family is not relatives, I suffered less as a result of that realisation. I have a lot of relatives, my mother and father were both middle children of 7, most of those have kids and then there’s my in-laws. But to be honest, I consider very few of them ‘family’. Family are those who love you, are those who accept you without question, because that is how you treat them. Family is a responsibility and a privilege that needs to be earned. You may have little to do with your relatives, but a heart as big as yours and a relationship like your’s with William. I can’t imagine you don’t have family of some description in your life.

    1. Thank for the very kind, sober, wise, honest words. To be honest it does hurt, but not as much as today. My family have been part-time in my life for the 10 years and I have been far to strong willed and independent on my own. Ivan.

  4. I am really sorry that you’re having to suffer through all of this, Ivan. But you do have William, who is your family now. Stay strong for the both of you. Unfortunately, your family will someday realize exactly how much they’re missing by marginalizing you both. Much love and many naked hugs to you both!

    1. Thanks you. Strange how when I was young, I believed my live would be very different, and it’s is but not the path I thought I would go on. It’s been one great adventure with highs, lows, extreme hurt but I have never felt love and belonging as I do today. Ivan.

  5. I also had to leave my family behind in order to be true to myself. I’d like to respect people’s religion, but more and more, I find religion to be divisive. I think you are going in the right direction, Ivan.

  6. It is very hard to be in that situation with anyone you love, especially your family. We strive for acceptance in society and lose ourselves, our identity of who we truly are. However, just because family have your blood and your genes, does it really make them family? Sounds like William is your family. Stick together, you dont need anything else in life to make your mind numb with depression. It will be hard at first however its important to lose all negative people around you for you to shine and find who you truly are.

  7. It’s never easy to reconcile how you live life and how families wish you’d live it.. I know I’ve had issues with my own family, but not as severe as your situation. After I’d come out to my father, we didn’t speak for about 7 years, during which time I have very limited interaction with my family.. in fact I found out afterwards that during that time, my father would monitor and censor emails sent to my mother to ensure I didn’t ‘upset her’.
    Anyway, long story short, it took my sister getting married and her insisting that I be there (and part of the bridal party, no less) that help mend fences a bit. Things are ok between us, but my love life is something they never ask about.. it’s better than nothing I suppose.

    1. May I ask if your family are religious in the term of going to church regularly? To be very frank ever since I posted that posting I feel so much better. It still hovers over me like a cloud, but I see light. My family have accepted William to the point that they acknowledge his presence but not our relationship.

      The root of all of this I think is religion and money. My one sibling wanted know what her children will get in my will. I am in my 30’s. I laughed it off but then realized they were being very serious. This was about 5-6 years back. Last year again I was asked something that really pissed William and myself off. We have subsequently changed our civil partnership agreement and willing wills, this is so morbid to say, but in the event of something happening nobody has any rights except us. We not legally married, but in a very iron clad civil partnership agreement.

      So sad. And then I no longer belong to the “church” and that’s a big issue with my entire family. Gay me…

      Thanks for your always wise words. Ivan.

      1. Actually we were very non-religious growing up, although my mum comes from a slightly religious family but it was never a big deal. My younger sister and her husband are a bit religious but seem to accept me for who I am as far as I can tell.

        My parents… its more a generational thing as they just don’t know how to approach it. I think my living so far away may help.. out of sight and all that.

        As for the will thing.. I think that’s quite rude and none of their business. I couldn’t even imagine asking someone that.

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