I suffer from depression, I have always had this shadow or dark cloud as I like to call, with me for many years. It can be mild, to a hurricane of darkness. I have had a number of years were I feel fine and then when I least expect it, that Dark Cloud starts hovering above me. It can be so powerful, it disables me.
This is something I am not able to talk freely about. Maybe it stems from my background, depression was a sign of weakness, and I was taught that it was not a “real illness”. Strange how me being a gay man is viewed by most of my family, as unnatural and not accepted by secular religion. And this is just how I see it.
I am not the person who has a pity party that last more than hour, I also do not want any attention and live under the radar. I internalize most of my feelings, and do battle to trust people or allow people fully into my life. That’s just who I am.
Yesterday was my wipe out day, the dark cloud consumed me body, soul and mind. I stayed in bed most of the day. I felt like the Duracell Bunny without the batteries. I have been battling to sleep yet yesterday I kept on wanting to sleep with no success.
All I wanted was comfort food, quietness and the security of my bed. Now that not so easy when you are in a relationship, lucklity William gets me and understands my dark cloud. However he also realised that I have to be present in our lives. I am strong medication and William has become my google reseracher. He has read up on The Google, so I have hope according to The Google people. Medication takes about 7 days to get my chemical levels back in Balance. I should start sleeping more naturally, and my sex drive should not be totally wiped out. I have hope.
the last time I suffered this extreme depression was about 11 years back. All I can say the t-shirt I got back then has expired. Let me just take one day at a time. William is incredib,y understand and damn wise, not always the face of reason, by the voice of reason.