Got the blues.

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I suffer from depression, I have always had this shadow or dark cloud as I like to call, with me for many years. It can be mild, to a hurricane of darkness. I have had a number of years were I feel fine and then when I least expect it, that Dark Cloud starts hovering above me. It can be so powerful, it disables me.

This is something I am not able to talk freely about. Maybe it stems from my background, depression was a sign of weakness, and I was taught that it was not a “real illness”. Strange how me being a gay man is viewed by most of my family, as unnatural and not accepted by secular religion. And this is just how I see it.

I am not the person who has a pity party that last more than hour, I also do not want any attention and live under the radar.  I internalize most of my feelings, and do battle to trust people or allow people fully into my life. That’s just who I am.

Yesterday was my wipe out day, the dark cloud consumed me body, soul and mind. I stayed in bed most of the day. I felt like the  Duracell Bunny without the batteries. I have been battling to sleep yet yesterday I kept on wanting to sleep with no success.

All I wanted was comfort food, quietness and the security of my bed. Now that not so easy when you are in a relationship, lucklity William gets me and understands my dark cloud. However he also realised that I have to be present in our lives. I am strong medication and William has become my google reseracher. He has read up on The Google, so I have hope according to The Google people. Medication takes about 7 days to get my chemical levels back in Balance. I should start sleeping more naturally, and my sex drive should not be totally wiped out. I have hope.

the last time I suffered this extreme depression was about 11 years back. All I can say the t-shirt I got back then has expired. Let me just take one day at a time. William is incredib,y understand and damn wise, not always the face of reason, by the voice of reason.

Ivan


13 thoughts on “Got the blues.

  1. Sending you lots of warm hugs my friend. Depression is never an easy thing to work through. I too need a ‘duvet day’ from time to time, where I stay in bed all day and don’t talk to anyone.. which was yesterday for me as well.
    It’s terrific you’ve taken the plunge and gotten medication to help you through this period. I’m sure it’ll help, especially with William helping you through the side effects.
    Again.. big hugs xx

    1. Thank you. Today was a better day so progress, the meds are still causing a slight “mess with my head” but otherwise I am good. Thanks agin your words are very kind and sincere. Ivan

  2. It’s good that you’re at least writing about your relationship with depression. It’s often suggested that writing is an excellent outlet to convey internalized thoughts and feelings and for me at least, I must say I agree. 🙂

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