I find solace in blogging, allows me to do something I enjoy, write. It also allows me to put my thoughts on to a structure called my blog. It’s really how I See My Own WORLD.
This may stem from me always wanting to be left alone, I was that person that could and still can be alone without others. I like isolation, however when I met William I was fast becoming a hermit, and I am being very honest. I also suffer from depression, I have written about this. It runs in my family.
I also suffer from bad self esteem, and this I saw with great conviction and not as a means for attention.
I have been seeing a therapist for the last 3-4 years, I have a new therapist of about a year now. I fought this realization that I needed professional help for many years. William says we all damage in some way:
We only have one mirror in our house, and how ironic it is, it’s in Williams bathroom. I do not like mirrors and battle to look at myself in a mirror as I still battle to see who I am as a person. In fact the mirror that was in my closet, I removed as it caused me great stress to look at myslef. Other people, William included can stand in front of a mirror and shave or make sure his hair is looking good. I shave in the shower with no mirror, done this my entire adult life.
In recovery, addicts are asked to take inventory of their lives. Here is mine as as today.
I last spoke to my father, 4 months back. I have not spoken to my siblings in the last three months. My family hold strong religious beliefs. I do not belive in organized religion.
I still get black depression and have to consciously fight this.
I have made a very healthy, good life with William, my partner. I am loved.
I have a very good job/career.
I suffer from insomnia.
I am still finding out who I am.
I still don’t like mirrors, but maybe one day I will see my own reflection.
I take life very seriously and can be over sensitive.
I AM IVAN.