Mirror on that wall.

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I find solace in blogging, allows me to do something I enjoy, write. It also allows me to put my thoughts on to a structure called my blog. It’s really how I See My Own WORLD.

This may stem from me always wanting to be left alone, I was that person that could and still can be alone without others. I like isolation, however when I met William I was fast becoming a hermit, and I am being very honest. I also suffer from depression, I have written about this. It runs in my family.

I also suffer from bad self esteem, and this I saw with great conviction and not as a means for attention.

I have been seeing a therapist for the last 3-4 years, I have a new therapist of about a year now. I fought this realization that I needed professional help for many years. William says we all damage in some way:

We only have one mirror in our house, and how ironic it is, it’s in Williams bathroom. I do not like mirrors and battle to look at myself in a mirror as I still battle to see who I am as a person. In fact the mirror that was in my closet, I removed as it caused me great stress to look at myslef. Other people, William included can stand in front of a mirror and shave or make sure his hair is looking good. I shave in the shower with no mirror, done this my entire adult life.

In recovery, addicts are asked to take inventory of their lives. Here is mine as as today.

I last spoke to my father, 4 months back. I have not spoken to my siblings in the last three months. My family hold strong religious beliefs. I do not belive in organized religion.

I still get black depression and have to consciously fight this.

I have made a very healthy, good life with William, my partner. I am loved.

I have a very good job/career.

I suffer from insomnia.

I am still finding out who I am.

I still don’t like mirrors, but maybe one day I will see my own reflection.

I take life very seriously and can be over sensitive.

I AM IVAN.

IVAN.

 


8 thoughts on “Mirror on that wall.

  1. Ivan, thanks for your honest post. Blogging for me has been therapy too, and it has helped me organize my thoughts and feelings. It has turned into an online chronicle of my life. I am still finding out who I am too, and I suffer from insomnia as well.

  2. Ivan, thank you as always for your honesty and openness regarding what is going on with your life. Blogging can be quite therapeutic, and as you know, I use it for such on many occasions. It’s a great way to organise your thoughts and stop your mind from running around in circles (as mine does).

    I have to say… regardless of how you may see yourself, the reality is you are a beautiful, amazing person, inside and out (even if I’ve never really seen a pic of you lol). It’s your heart and love for those who are around you that make you .. well, you.

    I feel blessed (in a non-religious way obviously.. I am an atheist after all lol) to have you as my blogging buddy and brother. I always enjoy reading about yours and William’s life together, as well as your very welcome comments on my own posts.

    Lots of love 🙂

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