To my younger self.

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Being the youngest child had its challenges and benefits. Maybe it was seeing my older siblings falling in and out love that, and eventually getting married, that gave me the realization that as a Gay Man I may never have this love.

Lets be honest, I was told that all gay mane cannot do commitment and being gay is so lonely and you are an outcast. Strange how at 15,16 when I first heard that it has stuck with me. And yes I did have some no strings attached one nighters, and was a big party person. Unlike my brother, I knew how to enjoy the city at night.

I then met Peter when I was just 19, and yes I must admit it I fell hard for this person. Was it love, well not on what I now know. It was an intense realtionship, not to physical but amazing. We travelled, I was shown another side of live. Other side of the world as well.sadly it ended just short of three years. I was heartbroken.

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Or was I, was I not consumed with loneliness and the idea of love. I truly belive Peter did love me but only to the level that he could. He compensated his emotional needs with material stuff. Peter came from a very wealthy family. And today I still have  some of those gifts. They most locked up in the safe in our bedroom.

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To me love was the typical pickets fence dream, it was all a fantasy and no realism was part of my thinking. I saw a couple of guys, but nothing that left a lasting impression. The more I looked for “love” the more depressed I got. I was no angel, I enjoyed to party with the best of them, but honestly if I guy tried to chat me up, I would run miles.  Honestly I was scared of intimacy, and part of that is sex.

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I thought I had a type of man I wanted to date, well that was so off when I met William. I met him on a Monday night, after I eventually agreed to meta drink for a drink the other side of the city. It was packed with students and they were all very full of like and young in body and mind. On the way back from the bathroom some tallish, well buildish guy knocked his beer over me. I thought you a&@ hole. And that was the last time I thought of him. During the next couple of hours, my friend Debbbie and myself got caught up in deep conversion and yes we did have a number of drinks. I was young and had the world at me feet, well that what I thought. I was an arrogant ass.

So here I was just 24, just staring life with my own home and a not a bad career ahead of me. And yes I was single. But at this bar that was mostly students I thought I has more change of being hoaxed by some over excited, sexually charged students.

The friend I was with, boyfriend arrived about two hours after we original got to this place.   I immediately became the third wheel, trying to blend in I went and orders us another round. Standing at the bar, I got beer split on me again, but this same man who had done it ear,ire.  My thoughts you drunken student and how irritating he was.

I called it a night as Debbie and her latest boyfriend were going to make this a long night. To leave this bar you have to walk past the big open area that would lead to the street. While I am walking, MrBeer spiller sees me stands up and comes and talks to me. Initially thoughts I just want to go home. I do not recall much of the conversation but learn his not from the city, he lived in the county before coming here to study. I also cannot help my self but notice how tall he is and sexy. Not your skinny guy, not your gym man, but a man with presence physical and personality. He is an old soul, with a great butt.

We chatted for maybe half an hour and then I decide to leave. He quickly takes my number and walks me to my car. I drive home and think nothing of this. Days pass and then that very  Friday morning, my phone beeps with a message from an unknown number. All it read was ‘any plans for dinner tonight’!

Mt first reaction was, who are you and then I pieced it all together who this was. And that was our first date and I have been with William ever since. We now have over the past twelve years been together.  Not always been the easiest of paths, having something this intense in my life has changed me. And if I knew what I do now know back at our first meeting, I would not change anything.  I grew up.

 

Ivan.


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