Sadness of families.

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Some people have families that all get on and they go away together often, have weekly meals together and always have the Sunday roast with all the family around the table. Big families small families. Well we all different.

My reality and it’s taking good me along time to accept is that my family have not embraced me being a gay man and accepted it fully. William has not always been welcomed with open arms. Religion has played a part in this and I am in mo way being critical of any faith. This is reality, and yes I did play a part in this. However I am now slightly older and wiser.  When William and I myslef first got together he slowly met most of family. My family all live on opposite sides to myslef. It’s usually a 5hour flight to visit and my one sibling used to live on another continent so we saw them seldom. The reality is we never spoke of this openly as they let me know when at 19 I told my mothers I was gay. Hell I was confused.

its got better over the years as when I was 21 my parents, brothers all moved in mass to their new homes many miles away. This was due to our family business moving the operation lock stock and barrel far away. I never wanted to work in this business and I realize this has left a rift with my older brother. In some way he expected me to just graduate and work for the FAMILY.  Whatever he thinks is his own shit and he must now just deal with it. Over the years we have become more distant. He can be very dismissive of William, which hurt me more than I acknowledge.

Strange when William got his latest car, my family showed more interest in this than they have in our day to day lives. Don’t get me wrong my family are good people, it’s just that they have not accepted me for who I am as the authentic Ivan.   I don’t want a parade and don’t show public displays of affection to William in from of most people not just my family when we together. I know that should I need them they will be here. I am just far too stubborn and independent for my own good.

So a couple of weeks all my siblings and myslef learnt of some dark truths about our fathers past. We are all dealing with in different ways. I am seeing a new therapist to fully deal with all of this. My older brother initially told me he did not agree with therapy. Now this is a very well educated man who is still in love with his wife and the best Dad I know. His world is his family and I include myself in that. Last week he phoned out of the blue, now up until now we spoke very little of the phone.  We talked for close to two hours.

He started seeing a therapist himself, and he was so honest with me. We resolved so many things we both have never talked about. I was crying in the end as he was always my big brother when I was young. He is 12 years older than me. His challenge is that he lives close to where my parents life and he has to see them often. He also confronted my Father about what we have learnt. Not something an adult child should endure. I will not go into the specifics of what we learnt. It just shattering my world after that initial phone call.

Being the youngest I had very different relationship with my parent. I was still at school when my brother and sister had moved out both got married in the same year. And maybe because of them my brother and sister, they were not as strict with me and they were more mature with me. However I never had a strong relationship with my Father, he was a bully, manipulated, and very money driven and status counsious . Don’t get me wrong I had a decent childhood. As I got older him and I would clash, and I was the only one who was courage enough of stupid enough to challenge him. And now my brother who is in his late 40 FINALLY understands. The simply truth is that my Father was absent far too often in all his children’s life. And what he has done in his past is now his responsibly to address. I feel no more shame because of what he did.

I texted my brother this week and asked that he needs to phone me when he has some time to talk. I needed to explain something to him. we scheduled the time differences and I eventually spoke to him on Tuesday morning before I went to work. When I picked up my phone I could here the hesitation and fear in his voice. Deep down I think he knew what I was about to tell him.  I have cut my father completely out of my life and Williams as well. I was suppose to fly to my parents  this weekend with out William. We planned this months back. My brother was silent on the other end, and then after a long awkward silence I heard his voice and all he said was “you more brave than I am”. Without knowing it then, all the things in the past with my brother and myslef were forgotten.

William has been understanding with my family over the years, but when I learnt about what was going on, William’s reaction was very unexpected. He got angry towards my entire family, and became very protective of me and did not want me involved in this at all. As an outsider he saw the hurt and pain I have endured with my family. He has given me the wisdom to walk away, as he says adult children should not be responsibly for their parents past. And he has said that maybe this separation from my Father may not only be temporary until I feel differnt. Time heals

Ivan.


One thought on “Sadness of families.

  1. Sorry to hear of the recent troubles surrounding your father .. but at least it sounds like you’re on the path to repairing/rebuilding the relationship with your brother. As sad as it may sound, sometimes it takes something like whatever happened to make people realise old perceptions aren’t as insurmountable as they might have thought. Fingers crossed things improve with others in the family as well. And thanks for sharing x

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