Take a step back.

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Sometimes we all need to back to when we started livening independently, we have opinions, dreams, wants. HOPE.

For me my biggest desire and dream was to have my own place, a home. My family home was the only house I had ever know. It’s was in a quiet Road that only the residents could use. We had a great house. So why would you want to leave?

For me I wanted my own front door, my own space. I wanted isolation. Maybe it was an underlying factor that I wanted to play HOUSE. The reality was I wanted to establish myself as to whom I was. Independent. I wanted to party, have friends come for meals and leave the next day. I also wanted quiet.

I also wanted a partner, this was not really based on love as I know it today. Realtionships were very unhealthy for me initially. I always choice the bad boys. I am a secret rebel and that did not contribute to a healthy realtionship.

I was not much of a party circuit regular,  however I did have some spectacular party nights. Going out getting home having a shower and off to work. I was no angel and had my share of intoxication, dappled in recreational drugs. But it always mad, made me feel very empty. Depressed.

who knows we’re this would have lead if I still hang out with these buddies I had at the time. !

A very good frien of mine died in a car accident, he was a great looking guy, someone everybody loved. Even my family liked him. Of his friends I was the one that has never slept with him. Lets just say he was a very active,highly sexual guy. When he died I completely fell apart. We did lots of crazy good stuff together, now he was no more. A could of months, maybe a year later I heard that this car accident may have not just been that. We belive he may have contracted HIV/AIDS and yes ended his own life. I will never know. That was my turning point.

I moved house and settled into a life without my family as they had all left the city to relocate to a city many miles away. I was truly alone. And I embraced it and did maybe drink too often on my own. I was very content. Not looking for new friends, or a f-buddy, it was just me and my old faithful cat. Life was good. I was living in a penthouse apartment and from the outside looked like all was good. Deep down I wanted a boyfriend, but had stopped dating or going on set up dates.

Back to what I originally wanted, a home of my own was now my reality.

And then life as I knew it changed, it was all turned upside down, shaken, stirred and left me very unstable on my feet. I met this young 18 year old guy who was from out of town. He did not fit the mound of what I thought a BF should be. He was worldly innocent, had a very strong personality, was not focused on looks, body images, labels so not the gay men I knew. He was shy, but had a huge presence. Tall well build with a great ass. I never stood a change of escaping him. My friends did not like him so much. He was a country guy and he may have been innocent but was damn wise, a true gentlemen. He never fitted the mound of other gay men, but to me I saw the real person.

 

Never regret anything, live your dreams. Compromise but never settle for less than what you deserve, and treat other people proper.

Ivan

 

 


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