First love

A couple of nights back I dreamt of my first boyfriend. Strange how your subconscious mind work.  Peter was his name. His charm, his manners, his whole demeanor was just Peter. We were from lands apart, in my true nature I fell hard for this person. He showed me so much, he taugh me so much, we traveled to many distant places. What I am today, Peter played a big part in that. He showed me how to live life. I am from a conservative family, who believed and still believe in their faith, unity and honestly I would not be the true Ivan had it not been for my family. I am a caretaker of people, a person who prefers to remain in the background.

My family adored Peter. He was a charmer. Peter encouraged me to pursuit an education and my passion. Now at 19 I thought I knew it all. How wrong, I never knew what my passion was, I actully did not know myself in my early 20’s. My guilt of being gay, tormented me for years.

I truly loved Peter, but I was never able to be me. Peter’s world fascinated me, it sucked me in and made me loose touch with reality, my own. For my birthday one year, we flew to South Africa to simply have the best marguiretta, south of the equator. Peter treated me to a world I never knew excited. The only thing I wanted was to be loved. The expensive, the exciting, the exotic soon became his vice. Peter broke my heart. That’s another post.

I wonder were he is, read my prior post. I wish him well, and I hope you find what you looking for and so much more. I miss you Peter, I thank you for all your did, you define showed me how to life and not fear living. I still see your watch, after all these years I remember so many of the little insignificant details.

Would I change my path that I have walked so far, no. And that’s a big NO. When I least expected it, and I mean in the most unlikely situation, william walked into my life. He still walks right beside me after all these years, and it’s still as exciting and the calmness that William has on me, is actully my first love. How this intensive very serious relationship has lasted is my biggest blessing.

And just because I can.


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