I Moan No More. I Mourn No More.

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the way I see it.  Reflecting over the year, and this is what I have to say. Good bad indifferent and yet I am still standing. A year were the dark place, my depression surpises me yet again. It was hiding away for a good 6 years. However it’s gone back into hiding. I tried medication,  that did not help, in fact it made me a person I am not. So here I stand outside of the circle.  It am standing. That’s all that I wanted.

A year back we were snuggly, as cozy as you could be on a long haul flight, on the way, away from it all, just William and me. Best holiday ever. Now this leads to my next lesson I have learnt.  With distance my family have lived many miles away. To the extend one of my siblings lives in another country. I still remain in the city I was born in. This has resulted in our relationship being stained. The house We now live in (7years), has not been visited by either of my siblings. It’s not due to lack of time or money but effort. They way I see it, and I may be wrong, it’s actully because I am gay and they have not fully accepted it. Plus William is a country boy and so differnt from family, and he is not fully accepted by my family. It’s not a pity call, it’s just seeing it for what it is.  20140608-165907-61147092.jpg

Briefly I had a vey “priveledged” upbringing, but the expectations, and presumption that I was to do as an adult as far as career, was to follow in the family business. I was the rebel, will always be one I guess. So this started many years back, when I choice a different path. Today my day to day live, my home, my partner, our life together is not part of theirs. We have grown apart and I mourn them no more. I see them seldom, and that’s fine. I stand on my own.

I am no activist or trouble maker, I am just the boy next door. I have an amazing job, a mortgage, a great partner of 10+ years, about to collide with my mid thirties, yet above all of this I remain Ivan.  I am so grateful for the life I have and for all who have helped me to be the man I am. I may not be the person many wanted me be, I have a cupboard full of shoes that only my feet fit, the road I walk.

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I have a habit of moaning too much, and not THAT moaning. I have become more aware of this and I am going to change that learnt habit to do it less. I love to bitch and then it’s over. William ignores me when I rant and rave, to the point that he can block out my voice. His word are, move on, let it go. I know that he always has my best interests at heart, and is the one person who is honest with me. Sometime this rebel needs to act like an adult.

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I still ill belive that mans best friend are the four legged kind.  Ivan


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