The D word part 2:

To follow up on my prior post on depression

To me I call it the dark place. The place were, I loose all motivation to do anything, the simplistic of tasks seem as if I must walk a mountain. At the worst, I would stay in bed for days and days. Just to shower, was a mind game. I would have to negotiate with myself to do anytime. I would get overwhelmed by people if I was out shopping or walking.

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One of my demons that I still suffer from is insomnia. In the darkness of the night, you lay awake and my over active brain world overtime. The sense of helplessness, that desperation for just some sleep exhausts you. For me it was scary, as this was not who I thought I was. In some stupid illogical state, I eventually agreed to go out with friends for a birthday party. Now I was on a high potency level of anti-depressants, and sleeping medication that including medication that was like a muscle relaxer. That night I drove and after that one drink I did feel slightly more “normal”, I do not recall to much of that evening. I shudder now that I got into my car and had this blackout of most of the evening The combination of alcohol just fueled my depression. 20130226-204837.jpg

Slowly I filled my time with my job at that stage. I was young ambitious and hard work sure pays off. The working of 12+ hours helped me deal with the breakup from Peter, my looniness as I was convicted I was going mad. Slowly the tasks of working, and the satisfaction that I got on one level slowly started working. The medication was must for me, my body just does not react well to it.
I had to learnt to do small projects, to start enjoying sitting on my own. Washing dishes, washing the floors, reading and the more physical the activity, the better for me. I could not sleep one Friday night, so I painted my then apartment. That sense of achievement helped. With time the darkness lifted. In essence I battled this very much on my own.
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At this stage I had seen a therapist but it did not work for me, the truth was that I was to arrogant to try and let this process develop. So I was still just dealing with day to day life and the least of my thoughts were dating. Well with me, my sex drive was nil, and the anti-depressants medication made sure of that. I was still very much in-love with Peter, and missed him but not the person who I saw at the end of our relationship. But he never loved me back the same, and his definition of love is to love others as well in the biblical sense.
After a very lonely, quiet weekend, of actually not doing much that I can remember, I went on line. I was trying to do an online profile for meeting people, and maybe dating as well. Now this is the honest way it happened. I was still completing my profile, when a message popped up. “New guy in town, from the Country”.

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And so we began chatting on line. I had no photo on my profile, but this did not stop this guy. He was not what I was looking for. He was younger, still studying, and not from the city. He was here doing his studies here were I lived At 9 that evening he asked if we could meet for a coffee, drink. I protested with all the excuses. He was relentless, and so I eventually agreed.

And that is how I started dating my William. And not that he helped me overcome my depression, it sure helped. And when I started going to the dark place this year, I had someone who understood me and helped as best he could.

Ivan


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