Darkness, I choice sunshine

Over the last couple of posts I have talked about my own depression. Two Weeks back I took the early flight to visit my family for the weekend. William stayed at home. So I spend a good time on my own, flights etc. thinking!

My conclusion is that my family have depression. My mother, brother and sister suffer from it. My other conclusion is that I need to be still, I need to stand on my own and just let life pass me by for a awhile. I have had the fortune of being in four different countries in the last 8 months. Now what has this got to do with the blackness, the dark place I am in. Well I think this constant change of place, environment, cities, countries has a negative effect. I suffer from claustrophobic caused by flying. I also do tend get panic attacks. Now these I believed were me seeking attention indirectly. It’s not, it now scientific that my “chemical” levels are not balanced. And I thought being gay was my uniqueness. Now I am medical unbalanced.!

Traveling and flying have not caused this depression, but have allowed me to let the walls get closer. The walls of this dark place I found myself in.

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This past weekend was the first in nearly two months that we had no plans, I did not need to work, be anywhere, no plans. I stayed in bed, not from tiredness, or being a lazy ass, but as I just had no desire at all to leave the comfort of a bed. Monday I went autopilot, and saw the doctor, and had a full medical. I am awaiting the blood results. I also made the call to start medication, for depression. Enough now. Why do I fight against this, do people think I am weak, maybe I do need validation after all.

I want the sunshine, and that may be the answer. More sun, as this may heal my body with vitamin D. How simply, yet the way I see it was and still is not that simple or is it.

William gave me some words, shit happens, life happens just get well.

Ivan

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