The sadness

The sadness

Over the last couple of weeks I have being getting more and more depressed.. I go to a dark place, it’s not a place I like to visit. It also seems as this is genetic as my elder brother and sister also suffer from this.
I cannot say what the start was, why or when. I do know that I must get pity of this place. My solutions may seem strange to some. I take on tasks, cleaning the cupboards, washing the cars. And exercise. I force myself to get out of the bed. Be pleasant and interact with people at work. It’s not easy. However been aware of this is definitely making my actions more specific.

My partner William has also taken on doing more around the house. He can see that I am just not up to doing too much. He is concerned and has suggested I try to understand this in my own mind first, before I start taken medication. The thing with meds is that is does not always fix you. For me this darkness as I call it, may last a month or less.

Now yesterday I was very energetic, and tended to not focus on myself, then without warning I was overcome with sadness. I missed someone who is no longer in my life. He died in a car accident, and I have never felt a loss so severely. I will be honest I cried the ugly cry at his memorial. Tears would swell up when I drove past his parents house. And today I physically feel that persons absence. I am reminder about him with music, just looking at my car I know he would have wanted to have driven this car. He was a car person, driving the latest cars. And that’s what ended his life. I am not sure on the details of the accident, but that puzzle has never made sense to me. Pete I miss you, I just want to talk to you again, take a toad trip with you again, I want you to see that I am happy. I wish you had met William. The sadness is a reminder of my past, some good some not so much. Ivan


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