In one of my recent posts, I briefly mentioned Peter my ex-boyfriend/partner. Our relationship did not work, maybe it was the time, maybe we were not meant for each. Maybe!! Maybe I was too young. All too many questions. However here are some details as I see it.
Peter was an amazing person, smart, gifted well spoken and worldly wise.
He was arrogant, he was kind, he was loving, yet cold and unkind. He was Peter. As I have got older, I realize that our relationship may have failed on an epic scale, but i learnt so much and was given opportunity that cannot be recalled.
Peter taught me more about my own independence than I may have not learnt so early in my life. I was the youngest child, the spoiled child, the protected brother. My brothers and sister protected me that I may never have learnt to spread my own wings should I have never met Peter.
Peter was over critical of me, however I did have a voice, I just did not know how to speak up. So as much as I cannot blame someone else for a bad relationship, I too, was far from the perfect partner.
I did truly love Peter, and deep down I still do. I was blinded at the starting line, blinded by the bling, the good things, the jet-set life. Peter had the world to offer, and I freely accepted. For this I am eternally enriched and greatful. I was able travel the world, and Peter encouraged and was my biggest supporter to keep up with my studies. In writing this I ask, so what went wrong. I was not looking for a parent or a father figure, Peter was my age. In summary I was too self conscience, and lacked my own self worth.
Peter’s dad, was from a very successful media and publishing family. Peters mom had set up a major retail company. In most major cities of the world, they had offices for the family businesses. It was because of my own families business, that I met Peter. I was never exposed to or aware of my family business success as a child. I was an isolated child, and as a family we lived a very “normal” life. One of the lessons I learnt growing up was the value of money, and the biggest lesson I learnt was of given towards others. To this day, I value that as one of my strengths. My brothers lack that characteristic but both my brothers have a caring loving nature, that saved me. They realized I was gay, well before I could admit it, they could see that I was not standing on my own. That I had lost who I was. This was not because of Peter, it was because I lacked my convictions and was too eager to please all around me. I did not know who I truly was, strange how others can see it, but when we look in the mirror we don’t see anything.
I don’t regret Peter, in fact it’s taken me a long time to forgive myself for this relationship not working. Peter admitted getting involved with someone else during our time together. I blamed myself, how important did I think I was that the world and other people actions were controlled by me. Maybe that the reason I am faithful and believe in monogamous relationships.
So thank you Peter. The last time I spoke to you was nearly 6 years ago, I wish you well. Ivan.