There is a good deal of alcoholism and addiction in the gay community. That is a fact. I am not a therapist or a trained profession in the health sector. I have a partner who is an alcoholic.
The reason that addiction may be so in the gay community, is due to the fact that we cannot accept ourself for being gay, bisexual, lesbian, transgender, DIFFERENT. However we cannot be anything else, by who we are.
I have the belief that you are born with the disease of alcoholism, it’s hereditary, it’s what makes up the persons DNA. Now this is my story. I am being as honest as I can, it still painful for me to reflect on this. I hope that in me telling my story, someone will get help, or not feel so alone as I did when my partner was drinking.
William has been my partner for over ten years, he is an alcoholic. Yes another label. However this is not a label, it’s a fact. He could not live his life unless he drank.
“If you take away the alcohol I am nobody, I am dead.”
This is how he described the drinking. Drinking was his first love, his lover, companion, his courage, his crutch, his all. His world.
Like many of us, William struggles to accept that he was gay. In battling to like himself, he drank. Then he loved himself.
When I met William we would both go out and have drink after work, over the weekend we had some great parties. Mostly at our homes. So for the first 3 years, it was very social drinking with the occasional bender.
Maybe I never wanted to see it, but in retrospect it was not social drinking. William drank a lot more, having mastered hiding drinks, and lying to himself that he was able to control and hold his drink.
We had a couple of bad experiences but nothing of major proportion. That was until the last two years of Williams drinking.
We had already moved into our current home, at this stage we were a good 4 years into our relationship.
Then my life took a turn, something I never want to experience again. William started drinking more, I could not keep up, I did not want to. It was not limited to weekends, it’s was now daily. We started arguing more, talking less, and drifting apart. Suddenly I had become the boring person, the ball and chain. The non-fun partner. I started drinking less, this was the start of my hatred towards alcohol.
Many nights I lay awake wondering were he was, many morning I would check his car to see if he had had an accident. I was acting like parent of a pubescent child.
After nearly two years of this, I called it a day. I moved out after a very bad bender. William lost his mobile phone, the car keys, the bank card and this was not the first time this had happened.
William had no recollection of these events, non whatsoever. I had to go bail him out of the bar, after I received a call at about 3 in the morning.
I was done. I did not even pack a bag, I just moved out. I collected some clothes a days later. I was exhausted, mentally and physically.
Will post the next part of my story tomorrow.