How did we get here, to be living in this street?
Well it all begin just over ten years back, on a dating site. I created a profile, all it said was “boy next door” no picture actually it said nothing. The same day I did this I got a message from William. Four days later we had a date at his house. And now we are in our own house. This was the first time I ever went onto a dating site, and William was deleting his profile on that site, but saw my very non descriptive profile. I kid you not. I don’t recall what his profile said.
In between these years life has been interesting, an adventure a life changing experience.
Firstly I am older than William, 7 years. He was married before, he was young and thought that he could make it. Well that did not work. His ex-wife he met when he was studying.
Her and I are now friends. She has moved to another city but we have a good healthy relationship. Her and William still keep in contact, but not that often. She will still be one of his very close friends.
Back to the point, after meeting, getting to know each other, some great weekends out of the city, we moved into my apartment. It was good for for a couple of years but the place was too small. William saw one house fell in love with it and thats nearly 8 years back. We love this house. It’s not a newly build, it’s an older house, with lots of character. When we purchased it, they has just renovated/remodeled the house. The criteria was two bath rooms, an extra bedroom that could be a study, and a fireplace. What we ended up with was, three bathrooms, three bedrooms a fully fitted study, a very modern kitchen that was bigger than what we though we needed. We also have the normal lounge dining room, but an added bonuses was we had a huge separate TV room as well. Thats one of our favorite places in this house.The house has a pool, jacuzzi and a very interesting garden, the house is on one level essentially but the garden is on three levels. It’s got lots of character. We are so different, I like modern, William more traditional, I enjoy contemporary architecture. This house was build 40 plus years back, so actually it does not fit any of the above. Not many gay people live here, and that’s okay.
We love our home, but it was not always a happy home. William is an alcoholic. And 5 years back I nearly called it quits. He has been going out more and getting very drunk to the point of black out drunkenness. I was in a relationship but more alone that I had ever been. Life was just chaotic. He still kept his job, but his drinking become uncontrollable. Now being gay and an alcoholic is a lot too deal with. I could not deal with this, I was defending someone who I resented more and more.
The breaking point come after a bad night of binge drinking, and he had been beaten up. I was numb inside. Plus we were out of town for the weekend. Not a good place for anybody to be at. However he started going to AA meetings, and after a ver long year or battling to understand his illness, he started evolving again to the person I had meet that fateful Monday night. Sobriety is a daily struggle but William is a very determined ambitious soul. It’s now nearly five years, since he had his last drink. I have taken myself and joined the Alan-on program. This changed both our lives. I am more confident, have realized most of my responsibly for the part I played in this roller coaster life. I was no angel to live with.
Now we are two very different people, still the same but so much more advanced emotionally and balanced individuals. When someone gives up drinking they have to change their entire behavior, change the routine, it’s one f the hardest things I have had to witness in our life’s together. We have lost many friends, are not invited out as we were before. We became the outcasts. Lots of people have social functions and there is always alcohol around, especially in the gay community that we were a part of. I have no regrets, I was not a big drinker but had stated binge drinking. It’s took away my numbness. I gave up completely. The last time I had drinks was with a friend of mine, three beers later and I was totally wasted. Because William does not drink, people don’t know what to do so they just exclude us. It’s like been gay all over again, excluded discriminated against.
The biggest surprise for me was that we have both become more spiritual (in a non church setting) emotionally mature, and are more respectful of one another. We live for today, try to not focus and dwell on the past, as we cannot change that now. This has been one of my biggest obstacles, to forgive myself and William.
How we got here is not how we ending up at this house, our home, is more o how we got to this point in our relationship. It’s been a very exhausting, hurtful path, we actually had to go back to basics and start dating again. That may sound very strange, but a person who gives up any addiction, becomes the real person, you may actually not like who they are, and that may not like the person they with. For us we have worked very hard with individual therapy, sacrifice and making date night every Friday. We actually prefer to be on our own during the week, and also over weekends. We actually enjoy being with each other. We are both very independent men, and when we do errands shopping, we can do this on our own. To me it’s healthy to have your own time, as we both have separate interests, hobbies, complete different ideas about movies. So it works for us. We don’t have to talk or make an effort to entertain each other, just the sense of the other person being around is contentment. It’s all I wanted.
We have learnt to respect each other uniqueness, and that we both doing things very differently. There are many ways to make a cup of coffee, my way is not the only way. Respect each other and allow that person to be! It’s not easy.
It’s may sound like “50 boring shades of gay”‘ well it’s not. We are very spontaneous, I am so lucky that I can go shopping, change thinks in the house, and there is never an issue.William really accepts me for who I am, and I can be difficult at times, and he will come and watch some TV with me it may a movie as he calls it a weird TV program with me, just because I am watching it alone. We still don’t agree on many things, but these issues are the ones that don’t threaten our relationship.
In all the time we have been together I have been faithful, we did try to have a threesome in one of our very drunk ken nights, it was a disaster. I don’t recall to much. But in the morning we knew this was not for us. The concept that people have including myself, it’s boring to be intimate with the same person for so long. Boring not, familiar yes. You have learnt to trust that person, they know what turns you on, and it’s very intensive having sex with someone you have been part of each other life’s for an extended period. We have had the dry session, but we have found the river now, and we are getting it off (pardon the pun) a lot more. Its good to know that your can still get a semi-hard on just by seeing that person when you walk in after a long day at work.
I will continue this blog and talk about issues that I feel strongly about as a person and as a gay man.