As we lie in bed watching a movie, I have been reading some blogs and reflect on my own relationships.
My first love or lust love was when I was 21′ (late bloomer), he was a dancer and for extra money would strip at clubs for ladies nights. Was an exciting time, yet the sudden exposure to clubs, straight and gay was very difficult for me to adjust to. I am not huge fan of clubs. J was very tall, sexy and had the perfect body, well that was important back then. My introduction to relationships was not the best experience and as much as iDVD love him, he was not relationship material as that time. We parted badly and I nursed a broken heart for many months. Today many years later we are very good friends. We both realized that we were from two different backgrounds but as friends it’s works. We don’t see each other often but do chat/text often. If I am honest, J has a special place in my heart.
My next relationship was with a British guy who I met while I was still studying, he was on his gap year. Peter, was from a very well off upper middle class family. Due to his upbringing he taught me many things, travel, appreciation for other cultures, proper pukka English manners. Peter could be distance at times, however been so young I did not fully know the real me. I became a people-pleaser and a codependent. Our relationship become long distance, with us both commuting between two different worlds. Those 12 hour flights did force me to be by myself and face my demons, get to know who I really was. The loneliness of a long distance relationships, maybe I would have been better off being single. Peter moved on with his life and I was not part of that path. He become a very successful entrepreneur, however with that he become very cynical, Elitist, bitter and not the person I had fallen in love with. We parted amicable, don’t have much contact anymore.
I was single for a number of years, and thrived as a person. I enjoyed the single life. I travelled many times on my own, created a home for myself and a life. I was not going to be defined as x boyfriend, or y partner. I had reached a very high level in professional life so that also helped fill my days and weekends.
I never choose to be single, single choose me in a way. I hated dating and social occasions when you were trying to be “set up”. I have a handful of good friends, gay straight, men women. I became content and maybe too comfortable with myself – selfish!
On a hunch one Monday evening I joined an on-line-dating site. All my profile said was BOY NEXT DOOR, No photo had been uploaded, I was not fully committed to this actually if I must’ve honest. The first response I got was from this younger guy, who had recently moved from a small town to the big city. We were so different. I hesitantly replied. Fast forward, we meet, moved in after 6 months and its now over 9 years.
This has been the most challenging relationship I have ever had. This is My Person, who can witness my life. William is ten years younger than me, sometimes he is the more mature one, sometimes I am the adult. However we are now two mentally, spiritually, healthy adult men who are partners in a very committed relationship. It’s been a long road. William is an alcoholic, and this caused lots of heartache, problems and drama. William has been sober now for over 3 years and our relationship is very strong, evolving daily and we are both committed to each other. We lead very independent lives and both can function without the other one. For me thats healthy. We are no longer codependent, neither one is the caretaker, we are just two average me who live in the suburbs and not only share a bed together but a great live. Boring and beige to others, but not for us.
Lastly because William is an alcoholic, I joined Al-Anon, this has changed my life. I have learnt to not try and fix everything, everybody, to accept I am not responsible for others actions just for my own. The 12 steps works for me.
Later blog land Ivan.